As a 40-something pregnant woman, I find myself feeling so much more vulnerable than I ever did when pregnant in my 20s; I know there is a higher risk of miscarriage at this age, a higher risk of other complications. I'm trying to not live in fear--my friend Nancy who had her second girl at 42, 19 years after her first daughter was born, tells me how that sense of vulnerability during her pregnancy opened her up so profoundly, and I want to let myself open, too, instead of curling into a tight little ball, worried that every little twinge spells disaster. The fears are definitely manifesting themselves in my dreams, dreams that crack me up when I think about them later, but that terrify me while I'm inside of them...
Pregnancy Anxiety Dream #1
On my way to a frozen yogurt place with my daughter and her friend, somehow I get my arm stuck in a jar of caramel sauce. When I pull my arm out, sweet and sticky, the momentum makes me stumble, and I end up sliding across the entire length of a parking lot on my side, coming to a stop only after hitting my head on a parked car. A woman with a clipboard bends over me and starts talking as if nothing strange has happened; I wake up yelling "I'm pregnant! Call an ambulance!"
Pregnancy Anxiety Dream #2
I am sitting in my car at a gas station when two men, one Russian, one American, walk up to my window. They ask for money because they want to get something monogrammed. When I tell them I have no cash, the Russian man yanks my locked door open and lunges toward my belly. My whole body is fizzy with adrenalin when I wake, gasping.
Pregnancy Anxiety Dream #3
I am performing with an improvisational dance group, and everyone starts slithering around on their bellies like snakes on the stage, then slithering over the lip of the stage into the audience, so I do it, too, but I can feel the ground poke into my belly, and I know that I've hurt my baby irreparably.
I imagine the dreams will get only stranger as the pregnancy progresses--I'll be sure to share the weirdest ones with you here.
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Oh boy. (Or, girl...?) These dreams are hysterical -- but at the same time completely terrifying.
ReplyDeleteI am SO happy for you-- and jealous! I know everything will work out just fine. I am here if you need me.
xoxox,
Cati
Thanks so much, Cati--I really appreciate it! :)
ReplyDeletexoxo
gayle
I'm 39 and pregnant and haven't told anyone. I had a miscarriage recently and I'm scared. My last pregnancy dream was that there was raspberry jam on the toilet paper when I went to wipe. Yuck!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your experience with me, About the book; I feel honored that you shared your news here even though you aren't ready to tell people in your life. I can only imagine how scary it must be to be pregnant after a miscarriage; I'm so afraid of miscarriage, myself, even though I've never experienced one. I'm sure it's why I'm having all of these dreams. A good friend recently had a baby at 42 right after having a miscarriage, so that is very hopeful. I wish you all the best with this pregnancy and hope that all goes well. Please keep in touch!
ReplyDeletexoxo
gayle